Important: This was written some time ago, but what was thought to be lost on an older version of this site but has been recovered.
There’s a piece of music that, if you feel brave as you read this, please open and listen to as you read.
Soon, my son’s 7th birthday will come and go. A date that passes every year with little ceremony. We’re almost into double figures. For those who don’t know about this side of my life, it’s become a huge part of me. It’s something I have kept very private—until now.
Almost seven years ago, I woke up one morning to find that my partner (8 plus months pregnant at the time) was bleeding all over our bed. We immediately rushed to the hospital, Frimley Park in Hampshire and were immediately taken into a delivery room. Our baby was on the way.
Our midwife was Sian, assisted by a trainee named Margaret. As you can imagine, there was a lot of rushing around first to check that mother and baby were well.
Things calmed for a little bit.
There are moments in your life that burn into your memory. Feelings you can’t shake and never will. I remember looking up from my partner and the bed she was sat in to see Sian and Margaret talking, and they caught my eye.
That was when I knew something had gone wrong.
Sian came over to the bed and told us that our baby had passed away. I can only imagine what it was like for my partner; however, for me, I had a duty to her now and to make sure they both came out of this OK. I guess for me, I turned into a manager and ‘handled’ the process.
The ‘technical’ bit here was that Mum still had to give birth. Hours and hours passed. Tears, fear, and every other emotion you could imagine kicked in. I remember we even laughed a little. I looked at Little Man’s mum and was amazed. Not only did she refuse all drugs so that she could remember every moment, but she never gave up. Not for one second.
Knowing the outcome, I can only imagine how hard it was for her.
Soon enough, I was a dad to this little boy. Sian and Margaret asked if I would like to cut the cord (which I did) and stole a swift hug with him. Then Mum got a turn. He was a stillbirth child. But he was a child. And he was mine.
Frimley is a very enlightened hospital, and we were very fortunate. We were able/allowed to keep him with us for a few days in a special room called the Silver Room.
The hospital gave us a pack and encouraged us to use it. It included a place to write about him, a lock of his hair and other keepsakes. I’m unsure how, but this inspired us to do everything we could with him.
We turned it into his ‘firsts’. So I gave him his first bath, watched an episode of Star Trek and read him a bedtime story.
All the clothes that we’d bought him didn’t fit, so whilst I popped out to get him a special outfit, his mum was able to take him outside to sit on some grass (with a Nurse’s help, of course).
He was named John-Ian. Ian after his mother’s father and John after my Grandad.
Soon, it was time to hand him back.
If you pressed play on the music request above, you have just listened to what he was buried to.
So why that music?
Well, when we returned home, we put the TV on. An episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation called The Inner Light was on. It’s a very well-known episode in which the Captain lives a life in 24 hours. He was born, grew up, became a father, became a grandfather, watched his friends die, and then died himself. During his ‘life’, he learned to play an instrument called a Ressikan flute and practised a piece of music called The Inner Light. When the music played, we just looked at each other and started to cry. It was meant to be…
But there was more…
During the adverts, they announced that Star Trek Enterprise was ending. The show had been cancelled while we were in the hospital, and the last few episodes were shown for the first time after the episode we were watching finished.
Enterprise was set before the United Federation of Planets was formed. For those who don’t know what the UFP is, it’s a group of planets that share common values, such as respect. This is, after all, the show that back in the 60s aired the first white/black Kiss. This show (not in the 60′s, I might add) was something I believed in. I grew up learning about these ideals. It’s fair to say I love the principles of the Federation.
Back to the story, Enterprise was set before the Federation was founded. It told the story of how the Federation came to be. It was set on the very first Enterprise, which was captained by a man named Jonathan (to this day, I don’t think people know just how happy I am about that).
We naturally decided to watch Enterprise’s ending after The Inner Light had finished.
The story of how the Federation came to be was told in those last few episodes. It was all about the birth of a baby—the very first Human/Vulcan child, who passed away. That child helped people come together to form something I believed in: THE UFP.
For me, I was gobsmacked. Fate? Who knows… I’d like to believe my little boy had a hand in that for his father. Remember that this all happened within six hours of our arrival home.
To this day, ‘Little Man’ has a USS Enterprise NX-01 model on his grave. I have identical ones at home and on my desks.
I obviously can’t post a picture of ‘Little Man’ on this post without asking if people want to see him. However, I have uploaded a picture, which you can view by clicking here (warning – this is a picture of a stillborn child).
John Ian taught me loads, and I am a fortunate father to have had him in my life.
For more information on Stillbirth, I’d recommend SANDS.
I’ve also written more about this on the Huffington Post.
I’m also more than happy to talk to anyone about my experience and help break the silence about Stillbirth.
